Chapter Two – Nightmares!

You turn towards him. He looks tired. His metal arm resting on the back of the couch, and he drags his other hand through his hair. Your mind goes to what Nat told you, about the kids thing. Maybe he blames himself. You feel bad for them both. They’re both your best friends. You attended each others weddings, he was the best man and Nat was the Maid of honor in yours, and you and Steve did the same for them. And now they’re getting a divorce. Should you ask? You make a split decition to listen to him. Looks like he needs it.

– Is this a wine talk, a beer talk or a soft drink talk?

Bucky lifts his head, looks at you. Takes a breath.

– I don’t know about you, but I could really use a beer.

You nod your head to him. Put your soft drink back in the fridge, and replace it with two beers, before you sit down next to him. Hand him his beer. His fingers brushing over yours when he takes it from you.

– Are you OK, Buck?

You ask, as you send him a concerned look.

– No, YN. I’m not OK?

He looks at you for a split second, before he looks away. Looks into nothing.

– Want to talk about it?

He looks back at you again.

– Are you sure you want to listen to me, YN? Nat is your best friend. And she probably told you everything already.

You put your hand on his shoulder.

– She told me her side of things. And you’re also my friend, Buck.

He nods his head a little. Before he again takes a deep breath.

– My nightmares came back…

You remember those nightmares. You’ve woken up to his screams more than once over your years of friendship. His nightmares from WWII. Steve also had some, from time to time, but Bucky’s were worse. Not only about WWII, but also about his time as The Winter Soldier. The brainwashing. You’ve always felt sorry for him. And you couldn’t picture what he’d done, during that time. For you, Bucky was the nicest, sweetest guy in the world. You couldn’t imagine him doing all those horrible things.

– I started to sleep on the floor again, and then the sex part of our relationship went dead. She understood, she did. But, well when the sex and intimacy part dies. The relationship is pretty much doomed.

You look at him, nodding. He’s right. No matter how much you love and care for someone, the sex is important. Or at least the intimacy. Hugging, kissing, just being close to each other. It is important. Because Steve is so distant, you do wonder if he loves you still.

– Yeah….

You answer, letting the rest of the sentence die out.

– And I want kids. Ever since I got my mind back, I wanted kids. You know. To do something good. To make up for everything I did. To bring something good into the world.

You don’t know what to say, so instead of talking, you give him a hug. He hugs back, holding you close. He smells good. It’s not that you haven’t hugged him before. But this feels different. You don’t know why, and you don’t know if you like it or not. With the angle you’re sitting, his breath tickles your neck. And the way that makes you feel…. Is it because of him, or is it because you haven´t had intimacy for so long? You don’t know, and that scares you.

– So, how long will you be staying?

You ask, when you break the hug. By the way he makes you feel right now, you’re unsure if you want him to stay for long. And to be completely honest, you don’t know if it’s him, or the fact that Steve almost doesn’t touch you anymore, that makes you feel this way.

– I don’t know. Steve told me I could stay for as long as I want to. But…

He takes a break, lifts his beer to his mouth, takes a sip.

– It’s your house as well..

– Oh, you can stay. It’s plenty of room. No worries.

It’s not exactly a lie. But… With Steve away for another week. You and Bucky alone in this house. Both of you starving for affection and intimacy. And the way his breath tickled your neck. You don’t know..

‐—————————————————————

When it’s time for bed. You see Bucky making room for himself on the living room floor. Only a blanket to sleep on, a pillow, and another blanket to cover himself. You stop and look at him.

– Hey, Buck! I could get a mattress out for you. Will you sleep OK, on the floor?

– Too high.. You know… Nightmares..

He turns and looks at you, as he drags his shirt over his head. You can’t help but look. You’ve seen his bare upper body before. On vacations and stuff like that. But, for some reason, it looks better now. You swallow. What is wrong with you? You’re married. To his best friend. This is all wrong.

– Well.. I…. I’m gonna… Go… Err.. To bed.. Let me know if you need anything.

Bucky nods. Sends you a smile.

– Don’t worry, YN. I know where things are around here. You get some sleep.

As you climb into bed, and drag your duvet over you, you look over at the door. Will he be OK out there? Should you maybe keep the door open? You remember his nightmares. How those screams sounded. And now he doesn’t have Natasha there to keep him safe. She always knew what to do. What will you do, if something like that happens tonight?

You lie in bed for a long time, not able to sleep. When you finally hear Bucky’s rytmichal snoring from the other room, you close your eyes.

——————————————————

You wake up by something being kicked over in the other room followed by tossing and turning from the living room. No screaming though. You sit up, listening for a while, before you get out of bed, and slowly walk into the living room. Bucky is tossing and turning. Kicking his feet and you can see from where you’re standing that he’s sweating. Definitely a nightmare. Should you wake him up?

You walk over to him, and sit down next to him. Slowly try to touch his shoulder, to calm him down. When your hand is almost on his shoulder, his eyes flies open, his metal arm, grabbing your arm. You jump by the sudden movements, and his grip hurts like hell. Fuck he’s strong.

– DON’T TOUCH ME!!!

He yells. Probably still half asleep. Then he notices you. His eyes turns from angry and scared, to compassionate. Before he follows his metal arm, from the shoulder, all the way to his grip on your arm. He lets go immediately, but the marks are already there. He quickly sits up, and takes your arm gently, looks at it. You’re still in shock. Just looking at him.

– I’m sorry.. I’m so sorry, YN. I hurt you. I knew this would happen one day. Fuck!

Something escapes his eye. Is he crying?

You lift your hand up to his face. Look him in the eye.

– Hey, Buck! It’s fine. It’s not your fault. Want me to stay here with you?

He lets his fingers gently brush over your arm.

– I can’t have you stay on the floor, YN.

You look at him for a while. It’s not infidelity, if he just sleeps in the bed with you, right? It’s not like anything is going to happen, right?

– Then, sleep in the bed with me. I… I know it’s higher that the floor. But I’ll be there if somethings happens.

He looks from your arm, up to your eyes. Looks into them for a while, before slowly nodding his head.

Without even noticing, you get up, and extend your hand to him. He takes it and follows you. Not saying anything. And you don’t ask any questions. He’ll tell you if he feels like it. No need to pry.

You’ll let him sleep on the side of the bed that’s facing the wall.

– At least that’s a bit safer, right?

You ask, as he covers himself with the duvet, and turns away from you.

– Thanks, YN!

He says, before his breath goes into a rytmichal slowed down sleep breathing.

You lie there for a while. Looking at his perfectly toned broad shoulders. That dark hair. You feel a strange need to kiss those shoulders, and to drag your fingers through that hair.. What is wrong with you? You’re married…